


tulip

by loverjae



Series: the world against us [1]
Category: SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:07:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24201802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loverjae/pseuds/loverjae
Summary: If our 'goodbye' can't be helped, then the least you can do is treat me coldly.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Series: the world against us [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1814242
Comments: 2
Kudos: 14





	tulip

**Author's Note:**

> This is inspired by Tulip by Indigo la End [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kiTn9pgnj8I]. The italics at the start of each part are lyrics from the song. It's really beautiful so do check it out while reading. Feedback really appreciated!

_1._

_as I’m telling this story,_

_it looks like a route heading straight to the afterword._

_just with that, this will all end?_

_an unromantic turning point._

_As Hokuto unlocked the door and stepped inside the apartment, he was greeted by Taiga’s gentle voice. “Welcome home,” he’d say as he took Hokuto’s jacket and bag off of him. Hokuto would smile like it was the first time he’d heard it and gaze into Taiga’s bright eyes looking up at him. They’d talk about each other’s day over the dining table, Hokuto trying his best to enjoy the older’s poor attempt at making dinner. After that, the younger would get in the bath, Taiga joining him if they were in a playful mood. Then they’d lounge on the couch, Taiga’s head in Hokuto’s lap as they watched TV. After lulling the blond by running long fingers through his soft locks, they’d retire to bed, Hokuto resting his head in the crook of Taiga’s neck. They’d listen to each other’s heartbeats and breathing slow down, before drifting off to sleep._

It was too perfect, too good to be true. A fairytale-like dream that would never suit them, at least not for long. That very same apartment in which they spent their loving days together feels cold now. Hokuto’s “I’m home,” would be met with silence. He’d pick Taiga’s horrible cooking over take-out boxes any day of the week, yet that wasn’t a luxury he had the pleasure of having anymore. They’ve been seeing less and less of each other every day, the warm home now just a roof for them to rest under during the night. For every rare chance they could have a conversation, it was too short and distant for Hokuto’s liking, few choice words being said that felt like little paper cut slices to his heart. Yet he clung onto each of those conversations like a lifeline. He couldn’t remember the last time he heard Taiga laugh, and he was genuinely worried that one day he may forget how it sounded like all together. As he sat alone on the couch that night, he thought about the conversation they had last week. Hokuto had asked if Taiga had any gigs that week. Taiga hummed slightly, signalling a ‘yes’. Then, Hokuto asked where it was going to be. Not paying much attention, Taiga briefly responded “Shibuya, at some live house.” Their talk ended with Hokuto letting out a soft “Oh, I see” before they spent the rest of the night in silence.

Hokuto thought that it wasn’t right. That two people sharing an apartment, a bed together, only spoke to each other every other day. He knows that they’re reaching something, a plateau, or maybe even a drop in their relationship, but he didn’t expect it to come so soon. Maybe they had burned out too quickly, loved so passionately that they didn’t have anything left to give anymore. Maybe the initial passion blinded them from seeing what lay in wait for their future. But Hokuto dismissed this thought. Even now in their frigid standoff, he felt so much warmth in his chest for Taiga. He wanted to ramble for hours on end about everything he loved about him, his soft touch when they held hands, his innocent laughter as they joked around together, his heavy panting after they had made love. Hokuto felt everything but burned out. He felt like he was stained intense red with all his love for Taiga, but whenever he looked in Taiga’s eyes all he could see was faded crimson.

  
  


_2._

_if our ‘goodbye’ can’t be helped_

_then the least you can do is treat me coldly._

_the night you cut me off_

_was just a little bit too long._

_I always knew the way the wind was going to blow._

_I was truly stupid for praying for that one sliver of hope,_

_but I want to pray again._

He had dodged Hokuto’s attempt at talking again. All Hokuto wanted was for them to talk this out. If there was something wrong with himself, he wanted to fix it. He wanted to fix every wrecked and jagged side of them so that they could go on as normal but every time he tried he was met with a door shut right in his face. His cries for help being ignored by the person he loved the most, it felt like he was drowning in air. He’d been crying a lot more lately, locking himself in the guest bathroom with a towel shoved in his mouth as a futile attempt to hide his sobs. Just six months ago, Taiga would bury him in a tight embrace the moment he saw Hokuto’s eyes tearing up. Now, he wanted nothing more but a hand to hold, yet Taiga didn’t notice and he couldn’t bring himself to ask why. He knew it was coming, the inevitable and unavoidable thing that they’d manage to hold off for so long, but he prayed to every God there was that they could somehow make it through. That somehow, they could save themselves from the hell they threw themselves into. He was stupid for hoping, because hope would only be met with crushing disappointment. Because the world had always been against them. Maybe it was time for them to stop trying so hard and let the world finally pull them apart, but Hokuto kept praying.

“If it really had to come to it, then why couldn’t Taiga just say it? Why does he have to drift so slowly, teasing me, letting me taste a future I’ll never get to hold?” Hokuto had gotten a taste of what his perfect life would be like, yet it was being ripped away from him painfully and slowly. It made him think about all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘what could’ve beens’. It made him dream of a future so bright that now when he threw himself back to reality all he saw was grey and darkness. That very light representing their future, a warm yellow, showed him that what he had left was truly a hopeless love. And he continues to indulge himself in it. Whenever Taiga happened to face him in bed, he stared at him for hours on end, remembering every scar and mole, committing the outlines of his features to heart. He dreamed that one day he’ll wake up to see a warm smile gently gazing at him, sunlight leaking from between their curtains making the blond look even more angelic than ever. But he knows it’s hopeless and he waits for the day to come where Taiga finally tells him. Tells him that he’s fallen out of love with him. 

  
  


_3._

_“as long as we can still be together, i don’t mind being the second choice,”_

_i thought of saying that_

_but when you miss your chance,_

_there’s no going back_

“I’m moving out. A label agreed to sign with me.” When he heard this, Hokuto knew he couldn’t win. Both men born with such strong personalities, they were bound to clash at some point. But love had made Hokuto soft. Instead of yelling, screaming every profanity he knew at the Taiga, he felt his knees shake and his mind spin. He wanted to cry out, he wanted to pull Taiga by the collar and demand an explanation, or maybe even send a fist to his beautiful pale skin, but all of the emotions Hokuto had been keeping in melded into one big mess and he was overwhelmed. He couldn’t breathe, the air rushing into his lungs felt like they were draining him of oxygen. For the first time in months, they had both snapped. Taiga, seeing his lover break apart because of his words, struggled to react. To say or do anything. He slowly approached Hokuto, whose legs had eventually given in and was sitting on the floor. Seeing the younger in that state, he looked like shattered glass thrown on a rocky cliff. He reached his hand out, wanting to wipe away the tears on Hokuto’s cheek, light shining off them like crystals, but the younger slapped it away. 

The first time Hokuto had touched Taiga in weeks and it was to push him away. In the split second their skin touched, Hokuto felt like he was going to burn. He knew he couldn’t win, that music and Taiga’s dreams would always be worth more than his existence. “Take me with you,” he wanted to say. Hokuto didn’t care if they would see even less of each other, he didn’t care if he wasn’t Taiga’s first choice anymore. All he wanted was to fall asleep at night knowing that the man he loved was still in his life. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. Even if he wasn’t struggling to breathe he knew he wouldn’t be able to say those words. Because he knew that Taiga didn’t love him anymore. If Taiga had wanted him around, he’d ask Hokuto to come along. The very fact that Taiga didn’t ask just sealed the facts for Hokuto. They were reaching their end soon. After what felt like eternity, Taiga walked out of the living room into their bedroom. As he struggled to regain his breathing, Hokuto looked out their window. He didn’t notice that it had started snowing.

  
  


_4._

_since i can’t be helped,_

_i can’t do anything but hold onto your sleeve_

Every time Hokuto came home, more and more things kept disappearing. The toothbrush that used to be next to his, the white mug, and the piles of sheet music that used to lie on the coffee table. More boxes were filled each day and the house eventually became empty. Which was to be expected, seeing that it had lost half the life and soul that used to inhabit it. The day finally came. There were no boxes left, everything already shipped to Taiga’s new address. Taiga didn’t say where, and Hokuto didn’t ask for it. At 10pm, Taiga picked up the last of his belongings, his acoustic guitar case, and stood in the apartment’s doorway. Hokuto, who had been watching him, followed suit, facing the older man yet keeping a safe distance.

Today marks the end of their cold war. It had been a long, six months, but Hokuto was conflicted on whether he wanted it to come to an end. He knew what was lying in wait for him, and he was afraid, but he had gone through too much pain that he wanted more than anything for all of it to end now. You would think that they had become numb to it after all that time, yet Hokuto’s heart stings and aches and he resists the urge to grasp at it. The pain started in his left wrist and crawled up his veins, pulling viciously at his heartstrings. Neither of them knew what to say. They had gone so long without talking to each other that Hokuto wasn’t sure what voice would come out of Taiga’s mouth. He looked at the man who once brought him so much warmth, joy and comfort. When he thought of all the happy times they spent together, Hokuto was ready to forgive him. He wanted to run up to the blond and pull him into a hug, tell him that it was all over now and they could go back to normal. But he knew that there was no going back. He thought about parallel universes and he wondered if in another universe, another time, they were able to walk away from this, to prove to the world that nothing could keep them apart. He desperately wished to be in that universe, but he was stuck in this current one, the one where the love of his life was going to walk out of that door. 

Surprisingly, Taiga made the first move. He stepped closer to Hokuto and dropped his guitar to the floor, both arms winding tightly around Hokuto’s neck as he buried his face in Hokuto’s pullover. After the initial shock wore off, Hokuto returned the embrace, arms around Taiga’s waist, balling his sweater up in his fists as he closed his eyes to push out tears and placed his head on Taiga’s. He breathed in one last time, the familiar scent of citrus soon to be forgotten as they parted ways. At this very moment, everything seemed unimportant to them. Things like dreams and careers, pasts and futures became trivial as they clung onto each other, the embrace speaking all their words for them. “I’m sorry it had to end this way.” “I wish we could have done things better.” “I love you.” All the words they couldn’t bring themselves to say found their way to each other’s hearts through their skin’s touch, and Hokuto was afraid that the moment he let go, Taiga would disappear from his memories completely. Tears wet their cheeks as every emotion they’ve kept to themselves laid out right in front of them, like a deck of cards on the table. 

Taiga pulled away first, wiping away his tears with the back of his palm. He picked up his fallen guitar, turned around and walked towards the door. He didn’t want to look back anymore, but he felt a tug on his arm, and he turned to see Hokuto gripping his sweater’s sleeve. He knew what it meant. “Stay.” He wanted to fulfil all of Hokuto’s dreams and wishes but that was yet another thing he couldn’t do for him. He smiled softly one last time at his life before pulling his sleeve out of Hokuto’s grip, walking out the door and hearing it close shut with a click behind him. He shivered in the cold. 


End file.
